


where I would be

by SailorChibi



Series: mama and papa verse [3]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Age Play, Carrying, Clint Barton Gets a Hug, Clint Barton Needs a Hug, Crying, Cuddles, Daddy Issues, Daddy!Steve, Domestic Avengers, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Gen, Infantilism, Nightmares, Post-Avengers (2012), Team as Family, Therapy, because no one in the MCU is qualified as a therapist IMO, clint barton has daddy issues, coulson is criticized for letting people think he was dead, daddy!Tony, dealing with PTSD in a healthy way, hand wavy therapy, ignores anything after that movie, little!Clint, non sexual age play, non sexual infantilism, original character as a therapist, platonic cuddles, pull-ups, stuffed animals, thumb sucking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-10
Updated: 2018-11-10
Packaged: 2019-08-21 08:56:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,145
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16573523
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SailorChibi/pseuds/SailorChibi
Summary: Clint may have found a family, but that doesn't mean all old wounds are that easily healed.





	where I would be

**Author's Note:**

> This is a commission that rounds off the Mama and Papa verse. Assume that everything after this is smooth sailing.

"Clint. Clint, honey, wake up."

The hand on his shoulder, gently shaking him, made Clint moan in protest and roll away. He burrowed his head beneath the pillow, keeping his eyes firmly shut. He'd been up late last night watching movies with Thor and Bruce. It had been after midnight before Clint succumbed to weariness and fell asleep with his head pillowed in Bruce's lap and his feet in Thor's lap. Thor had a fondness for giving foot rubs, and the gentle fingers kneading at his feet could've sent even the most determined person to sleep. He had a vague memory of Thor carrying him at some point, but that could've easily been a dream.

A soft laugh came from somewhere above his head. "You've already slept an hour later than you usually do. If you don't get up and your papa figures out you're still in bed, he's going to come in here and tickle you awake. Is that what you want?"

"No," Clint grumbled, tightening his grip on his pillow. He was _tired_ , and he'd been having such a nice dream about a world made of candy.

"Yes," came the counter, followed by fingers gently but firmly prying the pillow of his hands in spite of how Clint tried to hold onto it. The brightness that hit his face made him wince, and he opened his eyes a slit to glare. But it was hard to be mad when he was met with Tony's warm smile. The sight of that much affection aimed in his direction still felt like a miracle, or like something that might be taken away. 

"Sleepy," Clint whined, stretching his arms out.

Tony chuckled, a soft, breathy sound that Clint adored, and leaned down to give Clint a hug and a kiss on his cheek. "I know. You were up too late last night with Uncle Thor and Uncle Bruce," he said knowingly. "I'd let you sleep, but you have a therapy appointment in twenty minutes and you can't miss it. So come on, get up. You can have a nap later this afternoon."

"No naps. I'm not a baby," Clint said.

"I know, I know. Up."

Reluctantly, Clint sat up. As always, the first thing he did was look at the globe that Thor had given to him to make sure that it still looked the same. The mist inside was the same golden color as it had been last night, and it would stay that way unless or until Loki escaped from where he was imprisoned on Asgard. Even as Clint looked on, a bolt of lightening shot through the interior of the globe and turned the mist pure white. Very slowly, it faded back to gold. He touched it with a finger to feel the warmth that always emanated from the surface, then glanced at Tony.

"Do I have to go?" he asked, just as he always did.

"Yes, you do," Tony replied, just as Clint had known that he would. He held out a hand, which Clint took, and pulled Clint into a standing position. They went into the bathroom together and Tony helped him to change into a fresh pull-up. Normally Clint got to wear underwear during the day, but he suspected that Tony thought he would refuse to have a nap later before ultimately falling asleep on his own. The sad thing was, Tony would be completely right about that. And as much as he liked to think his bladder control was improving, he still woke up with a wet pull-up 99% of the time. 

Clint got dressed in the jeans and button-up plaid shirt that Tony handed to him, then brushed his teeth. He wouldn't have time to eat beforehand, but that was okay. Even after a dozen therapy sessions, his stomach could still feel like a trampoline right before he went in. He held tightly to Tony's hand as they left their floor and entered the elevator. JARVIS took them down to the lowest floor that was reserved for Avengers use. People without proper authorization weren't allowed up to the higher floors, so Clint always met Dr. Maura down here. That was fine with him. He liked that she wasn't in his space, and that he could always go back upstairs if things got to be too much.

"Are you okay?" Tony asked, pausing just outside the door. 

"I'm fine," Clint said. "Thanks, Mama."

He'd never get tired of the way that Tony looked when Clint called him that: Tony's cheeks always pinked a little - with embarrassment or pleasure, Clint had never been wholly sure which - but his eyes would widen and then shine with this incredible amount of affection. At the same time, a small, tender smile would cross Tony's face. It was Clint's favorite expression by far and he loved that something as simple as calling Tony "Mama" could produce it. Sometimes, if Clint was having a hard day, he'd go out of his way to call Tony that as often as he could just to be able to see that look.

"Well, I'll be right upstairs working if you need me," Tony said.

Clint nodded and turned to open the door. He stepped inside the conference room, eyes falling on the tall woman sitting in the chair at the far end of the table. She was younger than him by a good ten years, and at first he'd had a lot of doubts about how good she could be. But Dr. Maura had turned out to be a lot more fun than he'd expected. She never judged him for him for the things that he said or did, and she'd taken the age play thing in such smooth stride that Clint had been genuinely surprised. He'd thought she might condemn him for it, but if anything she _praised_ him for finding what she called such a healthy coping mechanism.

"Good morning, Clint!" Dr. Maura said, looking up from her papers with a big smile. "How are you doing today?"

"Okay. I didn't have any nightmares last night," Clint said proudly. 

"You didn't! That's wonderful," she said, patting the chair beside her. He moved closer and sat, scooting the chair in closer to the table.

"I had one two days ago, though," he admitted, putting his hands in his lap. Thinking about his nightmares gave him the shivers. It used to be that all he'd dream about was a cool blue light and then nothingness, which was bad enough. But after he'd started age playing with Tony and Steve, it was like his brain had decided that it was free reign and suddenly he was having nightmares where the blue light turned him back into a prisoner in his own mind. He'd watch his own hands do horrible things, like slaughter his mama and papa and uncles and aunt. 

Dr. Maura said it was because his brain was struggling to process what Loki had done to him, while also coming to terms with his fears about what might happen if he was brainwashed again. Clint didn't know if that was true, but he did know that the nightmares were absolutely terrifying. He'd done enough horrible things last time. It was only by the grace of Tony and Steve's quick thinking that the helicarrier hadn't fallen out of the sky. If that had happened, everyone on board would've been killed and then there wouldn't have been anyone to stop Loki. The alien invasion would've gone off without a hitch and Earth as everyone knew it would've been destroyed. If that happened again...

"Clint," Dr. Maura said, firmly enough that he looked up at her. "You're here with me in the boardroom, remember? Can you tell me what you see?"

Clint blinked at her for a moment, then looked around. It was a struggle to focus. "I see... I see some crayons. There's yellow and green and purple," he said slowly. "And white some papers. I see a yellow pencil and your orange phone and your red dress."

"That's right. Loki is not here, and you are not brainwashed," she said, slowly and certainly. She'd never told him that he wouldn't be brainwashed again, and Clint appreciated that. As nice as it was to hear, he now knew that it was a possibility. However, she was teaching him ways to focus. When he was brainwashed, everything was blue. He couldn't identify colors then if his life depended on it. Looking around the room and seeing all the different colors was comforting.

"I know," he said finally, looking back at her kind face. "I just get overwhelmed sometimes."

"It's okay to be overwhelmed. You went through something very traumatic. What was your nightmare about?"

Clint dropped his gaze. "I... I don't wanna say."

"Could you draw it for me?"

He thought about it and then nodded. She smiled at him and pushed the paper and some crayons over within his reach. No blue, he noticed automatically. Ever since their first session, when Clint had told her about his problems with the color blue, Dr. Maura had taken great pains to make sure that there was no blue in the conference room where they held their session. She always wore colorful clothing, but never blue. Even the paintings in the room had been changed. She'd even switched to writing with a purple pen instead of a blue one!

He picked up a purple crayon and bent his head to the paper, beginning to draw. His nightmare was one that he'd had before. In it, Loki had escaped from jail and had come straight to Earth to find Clint again. Only instead of brainwashing Clint, Loki had been angry that Clint had escaped his control last time and had decided to punish him for it. He'd trapped Clint in a portable jail cell that was exactly like the one Fury had tried to trap Loki in, and then made him stay in there and watch as Loki enslaved the Earth. Every time Loki killed someone, he'd pointed to Clint and told the victim that they had only Clint to blame.

So Clint drew himself in his Hawkeye outfit, sitting on the floor of the jail cell. That was drawn as a big yellow bubble. Then he drew Loki in that horrible green outfit, standing above a a city. He drew the outline of the city, recognizable as New York only thanks to the State of Liberty in the corner. He drew in jagged green lines coming from Loki's hands and then colored in red beneath the city. The red was meant to represent all of the people that Loki had killed in his rampage. When he was finished, he stared at the drawing for a moment.

It was kind of ridiculous to think that Loki would come attack _Clint_ if he ever got free. From the way Thor talked about him, Loki could be pretty self-centered. And Clint wasn't the only person he'd brainwashed, either. There had been Erik Selvig and several other SHIELD agents, all of whom had also betrayed Loki. There was no reason for Clint to stand out as the one that Loki would choose to come after. 

"It's done," he said finally, pushing the paper across the table to her so that she could see. Dr. Maura took it and looked it over, her expression blank the way it always was when she looked at his pictures.

"How do you feel about your nightmare now?" she asked, lifting her eyes to meet his.

Clint shrugged. "I dunno. It doesn't seem as scary now," he admitted. "I don't think I had a big enough impact on Loki for him to come after me. He'd be much more likely to come after Mama or Papa, because they were the ones who really helped to take him down."

"Does the thought of that upset you?"

"No," Clint said. "Not really."

Dr. Maura seemed surprised by that. She sat back and cocked her head at him. "Why is that?"

"Because they defeated him the first time. Loki can't beat the Avengers," Clint said confidently.

"Yet it seems like they die in so many of your nightmares when you end up brainwashed again," Dr. Maura said.

"That's because they wouldn't fight me," Clint whispered. "If Loki got me under his control, they would do whatever he said to keep me safe. Even though they shouldn't."

"They're your parents. That's what parents are supposed to do," she said, and Clint looked away. He hadn't really talked about his childhood, even though she'd asked once or twice. He knew what she was implying: that just because his biological parents wouldn't have made that sacrifice didn't mean that Steve or Tony wouldn't have. 

"They're not really my parents, though," Clint said half-heartedly.

"Clint," Dr. Maura said. "You know that's not true."

Clint ducked his head, scuffing his foot against the floor. Honestly, he did know that wasn't true. Tony and Steve loved him. He _knew_ that; after everything they’d done for him, and continued to do on a regular basis, he couldn’t pretend that he didn’t know that. They did so much for him, whether it was tucking him into bed at night or giving him hugs or taking time out of their busy days to play with him or carrying him to bed at night. They were both good men, but not even good men would do that much for someone they didn’t love.

“I just want to know they’ll always be safe,” he said to the floor. He lived in fear of the day something happened to one or both of them. He didn’t know if he would survive that.

Dr. Maura sighed. “I wish I could tell you that they would be, but you know that life doesn’t work that way. You probably know that better than most people, for that matter.”

He nodded, biting his lip to keep from crying. He’d seen so much as a SHIELD agent. How many agents had gone out on missions and never come home? How many close calls had Captain America and Iron Man dodged? For that matter, Tony was a target just because of his position as CEO of Stark Industries. He’d nearly died in Afghanistan and that was long before he’d bcome Iron Man.

Keeping his voice even, he said, “The thought of losing them scares me.”

“That’s understandable. They’ve very important to you.” Dr. Maura put a hand on his, and he looked up at her. “Would it help if you asked Tony and Steve to keep you up to date on their activities?” she asked kindly. “Or maybe JARVIS could? I’m not sure what his capabilities are, but –”

“He could if Tony told him to,” Clint said, thinking about it. “But that doesn’t solve the Loki problem.”

“No, it doesn’t. However, if Loki ever escaped, you would know,” she pointed out. “Word would come from Asgard. You’d have ample time to put a contingency plan in place. The odds of Loki being able to blindside you all again are extremely low. You also live with Thor, who is more than capable of taking Loki down.”

“That’s true,” Clint admitted. Thank god for Thor. 

“I’m curious to know what’s sparked this sudden fear about losing your parents. You’ve never mentioned it before.”

And there it was. Somehow Dr. Maura always managed to figure out when Clint was hiding something. He twisted his fingers together. “Coulson is coming over tonight,” he said in a rush. “He needs to go over something with Mama and Papa, and the security clearance of whatever it is is so high that they can’t send anyone else. Hill is already out on another mission and Fury is preoccupied with trying to fix whatever’s happened there. I haven’t seen him since I figured out he was alone, and I don’t – I don’t –”

He broke off as the tears came, flooding hotly down his cheeks, and ducked his head again to wipe his face with his sleeves. Dr. Maura remained quiet, aside from handing him a box of tissue. She always gave him the space he needed to collect himself when he broke down crying during their sessions, which happened more often than he wanted to admit. He appreciated that about her.

“I don’t know if I’m ready to see him,” he whispered finally, his voice hoarse. “Seeing him makes me think about how he pretended to be dead just to end things with me. It makes me feel like I’m a really awful person.”

“That’s not true, Clint. Do you remember what I told you at our first session?”

“No,” Clint said slowly.

“I told you that other people make decisions that affect us, but those decisions aren’t necessarily _about_ us. Based on what you’ve told me, you didn’t do anything wrong. Coulson got in over his head with you. Instead of being respectful of you and admitting that he wasn’t interested in or ready for what he’d led you to believe he wanted, he let you think he was dead. That’s a decision _he_ made, but it’s not because of you. It was about _his_ lack of respect, _his_ cowardice, and it has _nothing_ to do with you.” 

The ferocity in her voice made Clint blink at her in surprise. He’d never heard her sound like that before. “But –”

“But nothing. Do you know how I know I’m right?” Dr. Maura asked, meeting Clint’s gaze.

“How?”

“Because Coulson did the same thing to Agent Romanov.”

“What do you mean?” Clint said, confused.

“Coulson let Agent Romanov believe he was dead even though he didn’t have the same kind of relationship with her that he did you,” she said. “He did it to everyone in his life. It wasn’t just about you. It wasn’t just something he did to _you_.”

He stared at her. It sounded so simple, but somehow he’d never thought about it like that before. Dr. Maura smiled back at him. Her tone was gentler when she spoke again.

“What he did to you was horrible. We could talk about what he should’ve done for ages, but our time is running short. What I need you to know is that Coulson didn’t do what he did because you drove him to it. He did it because it was the easiest way out. Don’t let yourself fall into the pit of thinking that you might eventually drive Steve and Tony away, because that’s not what happened.”

Clint opened his mouth and then closed it, unsure of how to respond. She was right. Of course she was. Steve and Tony had never hesitated to say if they didn’t like something about their relationship with Clint. It wasn’t like how it had been with Coulson, when Clint felt like he had to try and anticipate Coulson’s reaction to everything – when he felt like he had to be careful because pushing too far would cause everything to fall down around him. It had never been like that.

“I think that’s it for the day,” Dr. Maura said, glancing at her watch. “I’ll leave you with this. No one can promise you that something won’t happen to Tony or Steve in the line of duty. It’s a very realistic fear for you to have. I can show you some ways to deal with on Wednesday. But in the meantime, I want you to make a list of differences and similarities between what you have now and what you had with Coulson. I think it will be a very illuminating experience for you to see how unbalanced that list would be.”

“Okay, I can do that,” Clint said, feeling a little shell-shocked by the unexpected turn their session had taken. He smiled uncertainly and stood, walking towards the door. As he pushed it open, a familiar blond head lifted. Steve grinned at him from where he was leaning against the opposite wall, tucking his phone into his pocket.

“Hey baby. Your mom got caught up in making lunch for us, so he sent me down to pick you up. Ready for some food?”

Tears welled up so quickly that Clint couldn’t have stopped them if he’d tried. Steve’s warm grin changed to a look of concern in an instant, and he closed the distance between them to scoop Clint up in a big hug. Clint wrapped his legs around Steve’s waist and his arms around Steve’s neck, squeezing his eyes shut against the tears that kept rolling down his cheeks.

His talk with Dr. Maura had made a weight roll off his shoulders: a very heavy weight that Clint hadn’t consciously realized that he was carrying around. For so long now he’d privately worried that there was something fundamentally wrong with him, and that eventually Tony and Steve would see whatever it was and make the same choice that Coulson had. He couldn’t put those fears into words, but she’d seen through him anyway and alleviated them. He couldn’t help crying out of relief.

“Clint? Sweetie, what’s wrong?” Steve sounded worried and puzzled all at once. 

“M-Mama,” Clint stuttered, pressing his face into the curse of Steve’s neck.

“You want your mama? Okay, hang on.” Steve carried him down the hall and into the elevator. It rose faster than usual, which had to mean JARVIS was worried too. When the doors opened on their floor, Steve walked out and straight towards the kitchen, calling for Tony.

“Steve? What’s – whoa, what’s going on?” Tony hurried over to them, and Clint let out a fresh sob as he leaned away from Steve to latch an arm around Tony’s neck. Tony stumbled closer in surprise, letting him hold onto both of them without straining the muscles in his back and shoulders too uncomfortably. He clung to them and cried quietly, some weird mixture of relief and grief.

“I don’t know,” Steve muttered to Tony. “He opened the door and just started crying. Do you think –”

“Sometimes this happens, Steve. Therapy can be intense,” Tony said, cutting off what Steve had been about to say. “Let’s get him calmed down and then we can ask without coming up with a bunch of wild theories. Come on, let’s sit down on the couch.”

They awkwardly shuffled over to the couch, where Steve and Tony sat down. Clint ended up in Steve’s lap, with his knees and lower legs stretched across Tony’s lap. It was exactly where he wanted to be, and it got even better when Tony rummaged around and came up with a stuffed spider that Bruce had bought for him. Clint loved it because it reminded him of Natasha. He took the spider and held it against his chest, rubbing his face against the soft fur on its underbelly.

“What happened, Clint?” Tony asked after a couple more minutes.

“Nothing,” Clint said.

“It must’ve been something,” Steve said.

“I was just…” Clint paused, trying to think about how best to word his confusing emotions, and finally said, “I don’t know if I want Coulson here tonight. I don’t think I’m ready to see him.”

Tony didn’t seem surprised by that. He rubbed Clint’s ankle. “You don’t have to see him. Steve or I have to talk to him, but one of us can stay with you. The meeting won’t take long. Once it’s over, we can come back up here and cuddle all night. How does that sound?”

“Good,” Clint whispered, leaning further into Steve. He stuck his thumb into his mouth and sucked, laying his head on Steve’s shoulder.

“Okay,” Tony said. He and Steve exchanged a look that Clint was too tired to try and figure out.

“How about some lunch?” Steve suggested.

“No,” Clint said.

“Yes. You need to eat,” Steve said. “Maybe Mama would bring it to us if we look real cute.”

Clint looked over at Tony and called up the best set of puppy eyes that he could. Tony sighed, trying to look put-upon, but couldn’t hide his affectionate smile. He slipped out from under Clint and stood, walking into the kitchen. Steve grinned and wrapped his arms around Clint, playfully ruffling his hair.

“Good job, kiddo.”

“T’anks,” Clint said through a yawn, nuzzled into Steve and giving a hum of happiness when Steve began rubbing his back with just the right amount of pressure. He idly wondered if he could get one of them to feed him. Sometimes, when he was feeling a little bigger, that kind of treatment embarrassed him, but today he wanted it. He wanted them to fuss over him. He wanted to feel loved.

Fortunately, he realized as Tony carried a tray of sandwiches, two mugs of coffee, and a sippy glass filled with juice back towards the couch, he was in the perfect place for that.

**Author's Note:**

> Find me on [tumblr](http://tsuki-chibi.tumblr.com/).


End file.
